I cheat because he can't get an erection

Dear Pastor,

I am 23 years old and I am having a problem. My boyfriend is only 37 years old and he sometimes has trouble getting an erection. Sometimes we have good sex, but these days it is not good most times. Imagine, I am laying down with this man and for two weeks he wouldn't touch me, and every time I talked to him, he said I should be satisfied. I told him that I am a young woman and that he should go to the doctor. He told me he went to the doctor and the doctor said nothing was wrong with him. He said he fell from a tree one day and hurt his back, so that is why he is having problems in having sex.

I feel so guilty because I have started to cheat on him. He bought me a vibrator and I use it sometimes, but whenever I am longing for the 'good stuff', I find ways to borrow a certain man. He is the husband of one of my friends. She is a nurse, so we find time to have sex when my husband and this man's wife are at work. My husband asked me if I would leave him, I told him I would if he doesn't get help.

Pastor, I don't want to leave him because I love him. We don't have to pay rent or mortgage because we are living in a home that was given to him by his parents. They are rich.

PREVIOUS MARRIAGE

This man was married before and his wife left him. He said that she was a cheater, so I am wondering if she cheated on him because he couldn't give her good sex. I am going to school and he is paying my fees. I feel guilty for what I am doing. He is a very quiet man. He has two children with his ex-wife and she has them. Since I met this man three years ago, I have been able to save money. I feel so bad because the guy I am cheating on my husband with has asked me for money. I asked him if we can't have sex without him getting money from me, and he said I am paying him for doing what my boyfriend cannot do.

My boyfriend is satisfied if I hug him all night and not have sex. He loves to do oral sex, but the guy who has sex with me has never done that. Pastor help me.

G.N.

Dear G.N.,

You are a young girl and it is evident that the man with whom you are living with is suffering from erectile dysfunction. An erectile dysfunction can be caused by many things. You have to go easy on this man, and you probably would have to coax him to go to the doctor. Perhaps his ex-wife left him because of the sexual problems he was having and she couldn't deal with it.

Some people might find it strange why a man in his 30s is having such problems, but even younger men suffer from erectile dysfunction. Older men suffer from it and people accept that, but when younger men are having the problem, people wonder why. The truth is, it can be physical and psychological. In general, the cause of erectile dysfunction is divided into two types. Many men may suffer from both. The following comments may help you to understand what I mean:

"Erection problems usually produce a significant psychological and emotional reaction in most men. This is often described as a pattern of anxiety and stress that can further interfere with normal sexual function. This 'performance anxiety' needs to be recognised and addressed by your doctor.

"For some men, erectile dysfunction develops with age or may be related to depression or another psychological cause, such as widower syndrome.

"Certain feelings can interfere with normal sexual function, including feeling nervous or self-conscious about sex, feeling stressed either at home or at work, or feeling troubled in your current relationship. In these cases, psychological counselling with you and your sexual partner may be successful. One episode of failure, regardless of cause, may propagate further psychological distress leading to further erectile failure".

This man has a problem. He wants you to be his woman. Sometimes he is able to function well and sometime he is not. Instead of helping this man, you have taken the easy way out by cheating - you are spending his money in a very bad way. When he is sure that you are cheating, he is going to throw you out. The married man who is the 'bunna man' is laughing at the man. He is not only having sex with you, but he is spending the man's money. I don't need to tell you that you are a bad girl. You know that.

You say you feel guilty and you don't want to leave this man. My suggestion to you, therefore, is to tell him that you are prepared to make an appointment for him to see a urologist. Please go with him to the doctor. End the affair with this man whose wife is a nurse. Take it from me, you are playing with fire.

Pastor